How To Talk To Dan Bacon When He’s Wearing Headphones

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These days, many people write guides on self help (which should not be confused with self love) on how to talk to people who very likely have no interest in talking to you. They will have indicated this by not looking at you, not approaching you, and in some extreme cases, putting headphones in their ears so that they can NEVER HEAR YOU. You will probably already have worked out that in at least 98% of situations, somebody wearing headphones has absolutely nothing to do with you, because the world doesn’t actually revolve around you, and the person wearing headphones probably just wants to rinse their Spotify Premium account.

However, it is possible that you may at one point see Dan Bacon in the street wearing headphones (presumably listening to his own podcast). Of course, Dan Bacon may not be looking for a conversation with you, a complete stranger, in a public environment, which is underscored by his wearing headphones, but anyway, he might be, and anyway why can’t you just talk to him, you’re just being nice AMIRITE? Sometimes, it’s simply a case of Dan Bacon being open to you intruding into his lunchbreak and having to be polite because who the hell knows what you’re gonna do if he’s not completely compliant?

What To Do To Get Dan Bacon’s Attention

  1. Stand in front of Dan Bacon, with at least 1 to 1.5 meters between you. Don’t be concerned if you have to use a ruler. Dan Bacon has definitely used a ruler to check the exact length of things before.
  2. Have a confident, easy-going smile. People who don’t know you will always be relaxed and comfortable if they look up from where they’re sitting and see someone grinning directly at them. Perhaps make sure that Dan Bacon isn’t armed, because after all you’re less than two meters away.
  3. Get Dan Bacon’s attention with a wave of your hand in his direct line of vision. This will may you look either like a badly trained kindergarten teacher or someone directing traffic to a single lane. Either way, it’s a winner.
  4. When Dan Bacon looks up, smile. If you have followed instruction 2, this means that you will now be smiling TWICE AS MUCH. This is in no way disturbing. Say ‘Can you take your headphones off for a minute?’ and mime taking headphones off. This is because Dan Bacon cannot make the direct correlation between the noise coming from his headphones drowning out what you’re saying and taking the headphones off.
  5. If Dan Bacon does not understand what your mime is, simply do it again and again, because he does understand, the sly tease. He’s only playing hard to get because every other dude read that article, and he’s been approached twenty times already this morning. You just have to want him more.
  6. I guess it’s possible your Taking The Headphones Off mime actually isn’t all that great, I don’t know. There are some excellent clowning workshops in Paris you could apply to.
  7. If Dan Bacon does take his headphones off, it’s definitely a sign that you’re the one he’s been waiting for. Why else would Dan Bacon be sitting there with his pert headphones?
  8. After you’ve got Dan Bacon’s name (which he definitely will be relaxed enough to give to you, because this is how dating works these days) claim that you’re in town to shop before asking what he’s doing in town, which will make him even more relaxed and is in no way a sinister question, because Dan Bacon loves to give out his itinerary to people he’s never met. If he seems nervous, just smile more. He obviously wants you to talk to him because he took his headphones off.
  9. Get his phone number. Sorry, the details aren’t clear on this one: we haven’t allowed for the possibility that Dan Bacon may not want to give his phone number, or may claim to be in a relationship (so why sit invitingly on a park bench made for two, eh, Dan?). If Dan Bacon refuses to give up his phone number, you can simply call him fat / ugly / tell him that you didn’t want his phone number anyway. This will keep your pride absolutely intact, and ensure that YOU WIN.
  10. Know that Dan Bacon does want to be spoken to. How else are you meant to meet Dan Bacon? You’re just being nice, and anyway Dan Bacon should smile more. He looks really pretty when he smiles.
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